What Your Hanukkah Bush Says About You

As a faux Talmudic scholar, the SJG can tell you there's no mention of a Hanukkah bush in the Torah. Now, I know there's a story about a burning bush. But it's not burning due to an epic Menorah-lighting fail. So, for Moses' sake, how did the Hanukkah bush come about? Let me think about it. I have no idea. But it must be important, otherwise, why would I bother blogging about it? 

Wildly colorful: Just like you, a natural-born narcissist (but in a good way) your Hanukkah bush says, "Look at me. Why aren't you looking at me? Look. At. Me." You're a whimsical bundle, a hot mess, a gal or guy who can't get through life without a pop of color and non-stop recognition. Let's face it. It's fun to get a little attention now and then, isn't it? 

Weird and avant grade: Just like everything else in your life, you just can't stick to the norm. You have to be "out there." You put the fartsy in artsy-fartsy. God forbid you should pick a normal Hanukkah bush, like the Hornblatts next door. You have to make your own Wooden Wonder Bush, made from repurposed lumber, as a reminder of your time in art school, when your professors kept telling you that you had no artistic talent, whatsoever. But that didn't stop you then, and it certainly hasn't stopped you now. Your Hanukkah bush is a testimony to your "creativity," damn it. 

Minimalist: Just like your life, your Hanukkah bush is sad and empty, because you have no imagination or friends. Everyone has disowned you. The SJG is depressed on your behalf. Your Hanukkah bush is unworthy and pathetic. Please, either step it up and get a life, or put the bush out on the curb and let someone else make it pretty.