My Latest Obsession

The SJG is not much of a collector. I leave the collecting to longtime hubby, who's all about the vintage watches, and, it pains me to tell you, amassing as many wine corks as humanly possible. My feeling on the matter: Enough already with the wine corks. They're everywhere. I find bagfuls. I find drawerfuls. Don't tell him I said this, but he's a wine cork hoarder. Why, just this morning, I eyed a cork on the counter. "Are you saving this cork for any reason?" I asked, with just a hint of disdain. "Toss it," he said, fighting tears. I know, I know, there are wonderful uses for wine corks. I bet I could go on Pinterest right now and discover 8,903 fabulous wine cork ideas, including, but not limited to drink coasters, bird houses, message boards, and endless other decorative innovations.

In the past week, I've become a hoarder, too. A hoarder of hideous cheapo eyewear. I can't stop ordering new pairs of 1.5 and 2.0 readers. I've lost my mind, nice people. My senses have departed. Where once I wore chic and stylish, overpriced specs, I now wear plastic, pedestrian frames that make me question my entire existence. 

Yesterday, the youngest tried to stage an eyewear intervention: 

"Ma."

"Yes, son."

"What the @#$%'s going on?" 

"What do you mean?"

"The glasses, Ma. They're everywhere." 

"So?"

"So... they're ugly." 

"They're fun."

"Fun?" 

"Don't you get it, son? I'm in a transitional phase."

"It's temporary?"

"God willing." 

"But you had your eye stuff done."

"My eye stuff?"

"Your emotionally and physically draining surgeries."

"You left out spiritually draining."

"Sorry." 

"Thank you for acknowledging the hell I've been through."

"But you can see now." 

"I can see many things."

"Then why the need for all these frames, Ma? The apple green... the pink and teal blue?"

"I can't read for kaka."

"I didn't know."

"I can read street signs, I can't read what's in front of me."

"So..."

"So, I'm wearing these peppy, cheap-ass peepers until I get an actual prescription."

"Are you saying we won't have to look at you in those things much longer?"

"Are you saying you don't like them?"

"What gave it away?"