With Halloween only a week away, if you're anything like the SJG, you want to make somewhat of an effort to scare the trick-or-treaters, but not that much of an effort, because at the end of the day, if we're being a little too honest, you don't really have it in you, now do you? Surely there must be ways to be look, act and sound scary without really trying. Here are a few...
1. Erev Halloween, pluck your eyebrows in the dark. What could possibly go wrong? Everything.
You'll scare the bejesus out of the kiddies -- and most importantly, yourself -- without really trying. They say a nice jolt of adrenalin is good for the ticker, and here's a fun way to test that theory in real time.
2. Fine, you don't want to mess with the eyebrows. I get it. Alternate plan. The morning of Halloween, don't brush your hair. Just don't. If you're anything like me, you'll wake up with crazy hair. Whip out the hair spray and freeze the moment of insanity. A word of caution: Don't leave the house all day. Someone at Gelson's might make a citizen's arrest, and you're already on parole for bad supermarket behavior. Why risk it?
3. Don't drink coffee on Halloween. Not in the morning. Not in the afternoon. Go through immediate, horrifying caffeine withdrawal.
You'll be acting witchy and climbing the walls before the first doorbell rings.
4. What's that? You don't have the energy to look or act scary and as for giving up coffee, no way, they'll have to pry the cup out of your dead hands? Must you always go so dark? Sheesh. Relax. Your SJG understands you better than you understand yourself. You want the easiest-Halloweeniest shortcut available, and if I can't offer it to you, who can? No one, that's who. Let's face it, I'm the only one who's always there for you. Sad!
No worries, no judgment, here it is on a silver platter of candy. Take your daily scream, you know, the one you reserve for those private hellish moments in the car when someone cuts you off in traffic or does something equally dumb. Take that scream and bump up the volume. Bump it way up, people. When you open the door, scream, holler, channel your worst repressed childhood memories. Finish with a spooky, unhinged, altogether maniacal laugh.
If that doesn't send 'em running down the driveway, sans candy, nothing will. Trust me, there's no need for a costume when the necessary tools are already painfully embedded in your soul. We're talking win-win.
Even better, I'm giving you a week to practice. You're welcome.
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