What-Iffers Unite

Leader: The Association of What-Iffers will now come to order. Who'd like to go first? Don't everyone raise their hands at once. Well, if no one is going to volunteer, I'll just pick someone. The short one in the back. Come on up, stand right here, where everyone can judge you, harshly and start over-sharing. Hang on, don't talk yet. Let's make sure the spotlight illuminates all your flaws. Okay, go.
Participant: Hi, I'm the Short Jewish Gal.
Group: Hi, SJG.
Participant: I'm not very comfortable with public speaking.
Leader: There are only five of us here today. Get over yourself and start talking.
Participant: What if I can't think of anything to say?
Leader: That's never stopped you before.
Participant: What if you get bored?
Leader: We're already there.
Participant: What if you get so bored you fall asleep and start snoring? Then I won't be able to concentrate. What if I just stand here, staring out into space, and you get so freaked out, you call the paramedics, but the paramedics never show up, and I spend the rest of my life as a zombie?
Leader: Zombies are very big right now. Maybe someone will build a TV show around you. Short Jewish Zombie. Maybe you'll finally find that dose of fame you've been craving your entire life.

Participant: I've never craved fame, just a little recognition, just a thank you now and then. Is that too much to ask?
Leader: Yes. Well, this has been truly riveting, SJG. Next?
Participant: I have one more question. What if I never stop what-iffing?
Leader: Then you'll keep showing up to our meetings and renewing your membership, which, by the way, you're past due.
Participant: What if you give me something resembling helpful advice?
Leader: You want some advice, here it is. I stole it out of a book on anxiety. "Turn your what-ifs into so whats."
Participant: That's it?
Leader: Yes.
Participant: Hey, that's pretty good. As in, so what if the earth opens up and swallows me whole? So what if I get hit by lighting? So what if I wake up and discover I've grown an extra toe?
Leader: Next.