In The Name of Candy

Judge: Short Jewish Gal, you have been found guilty of scarfing Halloween candy on the day before Halloween. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
SJG: Yes, your honor. I can think of worse crimes. Gorging on Reese's and M&M's, plain and peanut, isn't going to hurt anyone but myself.
Judge: Is that all you have to say?
SJG: No, your honor. I would also like to say that I had every intention of not opening up those seductively delicious Halloween treats, but when it comes to the fun size, I'm powerless. I simply lose all control. It's unbecoming, I know, but I can't help myself. Of course, I promised myself that this year would be different, that this year I would show some restraint, but in the end, your honor, I surrendered. And now... now... oh, it pains me to confess, but confess, I must. It's true, I've dishonored myself and my entire family, living, not living, and/or estranged, and I'm significantly ashamed. My candy-chomping was senseless and reckless and wrong. On top of which, all that sugar I consumed, as though demonically possessed, will surely make my rapidly aging teeth fall out, if, God forbid, you send me to Candy Jail, where I hear they don't have good dental.
Judge: Very well, Short Jewish Gal. I hereby sentence you to --
SJG: Pardon me, your honor, I'd like to add one more thing, if it's okay by you.
Judge: I'll allow it.
SJG: Just between us, none of this is my fault.
Judge: Whose fault is it, then?
SJG: Longtime hubby's.
Judge: And why is it his fault?
SJG: He bought the candy too early.

(10-31-18)