Skeletons In The Closet

In search of shoes

I stop by to say hi to my neighbor Mindy, as she puts some last minute Halloween decorations up.  "Ew, spooky," I say, re: the giant spider web hanging by the front door. "You want to know spooky?" Mindy asks, adjusting the witch's hat on her head. "Bring it." "So the other day I look down at my feet." "Calluses?" "No." Mindy is a dance teacher.  It must be dance-related. "Bunions?" "Will you let me tell the story?" "Who's stopping you?" "So I look down at my feet and I notice that my right foot is suddenly like an inch longer than my left foot." "What the eff?" I say. "I know, right?" "But why?" "I have no idea.  Hormones?" "Hormones, or lack of hormones?" I ask, looking down at my dainty size sixes. "I've never heard of feet growing out of freakin' nowhere. During pregnancy, maybe. But not long, long after."

"I'll take one in an 8, and the other in a 9."

Mindy gives me a look. "You had to add an extra long? Long, long after?" "It's a fitting metaphor for your situation, don't you think?" "I think I'm sorry I brought it up." "Too late to take it back now.  So what the hell is going on with you?" Mindy shrugs.  For some reason, she seems annoyed. "All I know is, one day, my feet are the same size. The next day, one is significantly longer."

At this point, I'm laughing.  I can't help myself.  I'm wondering if it's time to contact Ripley's Believe It Or Not, or the Guinness people. There could be some money in this for me.  Mindy reaches over to smack me, but I'm too quick.  She clips the skeleton, instead. "You think it's funny?" "It's hilarious." "You wouldn't think so if it happened to you." "But it hasn't." "Imagine going into your closet and putting on your favorite shoes and the right one doesn't fit anymore.  Not so funny, is it?" "Not funny if it happens to me, but funny, really funny, if it happens to you." "You've got a sick sense of humor, SJG." "This is new information?" "I've always suspected it, but to see you in action up close, it's pretty disturbing." "Aren't you glad I stopped by?" "Not really.  Happy Halloween, sicko," Mindy says.  "Happy Halloween, Big Foot."
(10-30-10)