Disappointed In Des Moines

Dear SJG,
I'm feeling so sad and let down lately. I try so hard, I give and I give, and yet, things don't always go my way. Do you have any guidance for me, o wise one?
Thanks,
Disappointed in Des Moines

Dear Disappointed,
Listen, if I lived in Des Moines, I'd be disappointed, too. I'd be asking myself, hey, how the @#$% did I wind up in Des Moines? Not that there's anything wrong with Des Moines, I'm sure it's nice, but the point is, I was born in glamorous Bev Hills. So I'd have to wonder, How did I get re-routed here? To work through my head-spinning disappointment, I'd follow these simple steps, and suggest you do the same, if you ever want to get on with your empty existence, and I say that with love:

1.Throw an epic tantrum. Yell, scream, pout. What better way to get your feelings out than to act like a two year old?
2. Walk up and down the street, crying, "Why me?" until someone takes pity, invites you in, and serves you a refreshing alcoholic beverage.
3. To get rid of that sinking feeling, wear a life preserver at all times. Sure, you'll get some funny looks, but you'll keep your head above water and make an interesting fashion statement at the same time. You may even start a trend. You may get rich. Or you may get locked up for observation.
4. Make a list of all the people who've let you down, include examples, and send it out in an e-mail blast to everyone you've ever met. This is the quickest way to eliminate these toxic tsuris-makers and lose your carry-on baggage, spiritually speaking.
5. Ask random strangers to share their latest failures with you. You'll gain instant perspective. These people are so much worse off than you, it's incredible. These people are bitter disappointments. Why are you even talking to them? You're not such a loser, after all. Now, don't you feel better?
You're welcome,
The SJG