Born To Sneeze

The monthly meeting of L.A.S.S.O. (Loud-Ass Sneezers, Sherman Oaks) will now come to order. As you know, Allergy Season in this neck of the woods is year-round, therefore, reports of decibel-topping, ear-drum busting Lady Lassoers clearing out the Arclight Theater on Ventura Boulevard, not to mention, Starbucks on Woodman Avenue and Gelson's on Van Nuys Boulevard, continue to clog our Inbox. Over here in Pollen Nation, we couldn't be happier. In celebration, we've decided to appoint a new self-promotion expert to get the word out there that LASSO-sufferers are the nicest noisemakers you'll ever meet. We don't mean to be so disruptive. We just can't help ourselves. We're born to sneeze, and sneeze we must. We come in all sizes, shapes and denominations. We carry different brands of tissue, although Kleenex still remains the most popular, because those cheap generics tend to fall apart, mid-honk. And now, please give a loud-ass round of sneezes to the Short Jewish Gal, a lifelong Lassoer. Naturally, she'd like to say a few words on her own behalf. "Gesundheit, one and all. I'm so excited to be the new self-promoter for LASSO, you have no freakin' idea. Every time I sneeze, I get the worst looks from everyone, even members of my own family. Just the other day, my own son said, 'Christ, Ma! You scared the @#$%'n sh*t out of me!' My neighbor called at 3 a.m. and said, 'Your sneeze just woke the baby. Thanks a lot, bitch.' I'm tired of apologizing for my loud sneezes. It's time to spread the word that Lassoers are people, too. Thank you again for this exciting self-appointment. It's the job I was born to do. I promise I won't... uh oh... hang on... here it comes... it's gonna break the sound barrier.... ah-ah-Ah-AH-AHHH-CHOOOSY... let myself, or you, down."