Saturday, February 6, 2010

Don't Go There, Girlfriend

Step away from the hottie!

As a long-time celebrity watcher, it is my duty to dish out sound advice to famous gals in the midst (or on the cusp) of romantic turmoil. I like to intervene as early as possible, in hopes that they'll actually listen to me and take my words to heart. Today I offer a double dose of wisdom to Jennifer Anniston and Taylor Swift. Jennifer, according to various tabloids, you've asked notorious ladies man Gerard Butler to move in to your Beverly Hills mansion. Are you completely meshuga?  Did you not learn anything from your previous ladies man, John Mayer?  So, fine.  You had a summer fling with Gerry, as I like to call him.  Mr. Hot Stuff with the cute accent.  You couldn't resist.  I get it.  Then you reconnected promoting a movie, and now, it's drool-time all over again.  Hear me out:  Don't go there, girlfriend. This is a bad decision.

Sure, other tabloids have you looking for an older, mature man with lots of dough.  They also have you inviting that other ladies man, the one you went and married without calling me first (Brad something) back into your life, as soon as he dumps Angie.  Here I can vouch for your sanity.  I know that's a big lie.  Asking Gerry to move in may be a big lie, too.  Yet, I would be remiss, would I not, if, on the slim chance it's true, you went ahead and let G. Butler unload his U-haul on your gated driveway, and I neglected to issue an unsolicited warning. 

Now, onto Taylor "can't carry a tune" Swift. Taylor, darling, you're pretty, you're talented, even if you warble off-key (see: recent Grammy Performance), and, if I'm not mistaken, you're virginal, unless you gave it up to that virginal Jonas Bro. (doubtful) or the dude from "Twilight" (doubtful). You did mention a lack of chemistry there, I believe.  Hey, not that it's any of my business, but it is, really.  Anywho, I'm thinking you're still holding out for Mr. Perfect.  So listen to me.  John Mayer isn't Mr. Perfect!!!  Word has it you two multi-Grammy winners have "something more going on."  Please amend that, asap, to, "nothing at all going on."  Don't give it up to John "your body is a wonderland" Mayer.  Step away from that hottie.  Give J. Anniston a quick call.  And then run for the hills.  Get as far away from John Mayer as possible.  You're welcome. 

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