Welcome To The Orphanage

Dial it down, you're sounding desperate.

There are organizations for rescue animals. I admire those like crazy. What could be more noble than rescuing canines and kitties? I can think of one thing.  An organization devoted to the rescue of the SJG. That's right, people. The SJG is an orphan now. I never would've thought of myself as an orphan until various well-meaning individuals reminded me of my current status.  "You're an orphan, hon," and, "Sorry for your loss" go hand in hand, the twin sentiments of condolence. I think there's an untapped market here, a whole line of Hallmark cards. "Welcome to the orphanage.  We saved you a cot." Well, I don't need a cot, but thank you. What I need is someone to adopt me.  Fifteen minutes a day ought to do it.  I need someone parentally-inclined to call me up and tell me I'm wonderful, every day around noon.  Better yet, I'll call you and remind you to tell me I'm wonderful.

No one can tell you you're wonderful like a parent, the elderly the better. When an elderly parent tells you you're wonderful, he's not just talking about the present wonderful, he's talking about a lifetime of wonderful. As an unconditional bonus, the elderly parent has experienced a dramatic dip in accuracy.  The elderly parent has conveniently forgotten about your worst childhood transgressions, your occasional bouts of all-consuming poutiness, brattiness, awfulness.  He has no memory of that time you locked yourself in your bedroom, stayed out too late, dented his car, said horrible things you didn't mean. All that silly stuff is gone. All he remembers is the wonder that is you. His child. The effs-up, the mishaps, the missteps along the way, all a non-issue at the end. So yes, I'm putting myself up for adoption.  Neuroses aside, I'm pretty easy-going.  I sleep through the night, except when I don't. I'm well-mannered until someone pisses me off.  I'm a safe bet, if you don't mind gambling on a 56-year-old.  Think about it. What have you got to lose? A chance like this doesn't come around very often.  So please.  All you elderly parents.  Contact me through the SJG Rescue Organization.  I promise to be wonderful... or at least give it my best shot.