The Two-Minute Passover Haggadah

I know, I know, you do an authentic seder that lasts hours and hours. You and your family reenact the Exodus from Egypt and post it live on Facebook. My people aren't that patient, or just between us, interested. My people are of the "cut to the chase, let's eat" variety. Many years of hosting, not to mention attending, Passover seders have taught the SJG that my tiny yet meaningful tribe can't even get through a five minute seder without turning it into a Borscht Belt routine. A few years ago, I came up with the speediest haggadah on the planet, with a little help from the Internet. It is my gift to you. You're welcome. 

LEADER:

Welcome to our Seder! It’s time to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt.

EVERYBODY:

Baruch ata adonai eloheinu melech haolam, borei pri hagafen.

LEADER:

Drink!

Let’s say another prayer:

EVERYBODY:

Baruch Ata Adonay Elohenu Melech Ha-olam, She-hechiyanu, V’kimanu, V’heegianu, La’zman hazeh.

LEADER:

[Holds matzoh high ]

This is the poor man’s bread that our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. They didn’t have time to let it rise. They had to get the hell out. This year we are here, next year let’s celebrate in Jerusalem. (Or Sherman Oaks.) This year we are slaves, next year may we be free! Woo hoo!

Now, let’s say the four questions:

EVERYBODY:

1. What's up with the matzoh?

2. What's the deal with horseradish?

3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?

4. What's this whole reclining at the table business?

LEADER:

Here’s the short answer. We were slaves in Egypt. Moses said to Pharaoh, “Let my people go!” Pharaoh said, “No!” Then God punished him with 10 plagues… too disgusting to mention. Frogs, blood, etc. We didn’t have enough time to wait for the bread to rise, so we made a big batch of matzoh and fled. Not that it was easy. First Moses parted the Red Sea and then we got a little lost in the desert. But only for 40 years. The matzoh, the horseradish, the bitter herbs… all represent how we struggled as slaves to break free. Tonight we recline to celebrate our freedom! Woo hoo!

[Raise glass]

Everybody Drink! Everybody sing!

Everybody sing DAYEINU:

Day-day-einu, Day-day-einu, etc.  

LEADER

So. What’s with this cup of wine that nobody drinks? That’s for Elijah, the prophet who may or may not show up to announce the arrival of the Messiah!

EVERYBODY:

Welcome back, Elijah! Come recline with us!

LEADER

Every year, we come together on Passover. Why? I’ll tell you why. So we can feel like WE left Egypt, too. Message received! So let’s thank God (or, if you prefer, the Universe) for the miracles of the Exodus. Looks like we made it after all!

EVERYBODY:

Hallelujah!

LEADER:

In conclusion, they tried to kill us, they failed. Let’s eat!