Things The Jewish Pilgrims May Have Said

My place or yours?

... At the first Thanksgiving:
1. I can't read the menu without my glasses.
2. Is this meal kosher?
3. I've never had pumpkin kugel before.
4. How should I know how many the Mayflower sleeps?
5. Baruch ata adon- oy vey, my yarmulke just fell in the borscht.
6. Don't Bogart that peace pipe, Shmuel, pass it over to me, already.
7. What, no utensils?
8. Did anyone remember to bring the hand sanitizer?
9. I sure hope this apple pie is gluten-free.
10. Why wasn't I invited to the after-dinner bris?

Leave room for dessert.

Phoebe vs. Rachel

What could be funnier than two famous former TV co-stars swearing at each other like truck drivers? Nothing comes to mind.  A little Yiddish, a little Greek, a little French. A lot of bleeping. Enjoy. And double click, why don't you, for full screen, curse-off effect.

Looking For Mrs. Cubbison

Here she is!  I found her!

The elderly woman turned to me in despair. "I can't find Mrs. Cubbison." The SJG understood her pain. "Well, you are in Pavilions," I said. I left out the rest of the description, for fear of offending her. Over here, we call it Crappy-Ass Pavilions because it's always out of whatever you've gone there to buy. The woman stared at me and moved on. Clearly, I had done nothing to comfort her.  The situation felt unresolved. Until, a moment later, I found Mrs. Cubbison just sitting on a shelf, waiting for an admirer to bring her home for Thanksgiving.  I grabbed her, determined to do a mitzvah.  I would track down that elderly woman and hand her the coveted item. I scurried up and down the aisles, anxiously. Where did she go? Where? Where? She was here a minute ago. Oh, look. She was already in line. "Excuse me," I called out. "I found Mrs. Cubbison!" The woman glanced at the holy grail of cornbread, then at me, and deadpanned, "That's too much stuffing.  I'm only making a small turkey." That was it. No "thank you, short person." No nothing. For my attempted mitzvah, I got a big box of bupkis in return. But that's okay. The reward for attempting a mitzvah, is to attempt another mitzvah and what could be more satisfying than that?
(11-24-12)

Go Light On The Sage Advice

Dear SJG,
It's my turn to have Thanksgiving at my palatial retreat. I'm still not over that time, several years ago, when hubby's aunt took a big fat tumble and blamed it on an innocent folding chair. Is it tacky to post a sign at the door that says, "Management Not Responsible for Your Drunken Klutziness"?
Thanks,
Settled Out of Court

Dear Settler,
It would be tacky if you didn't post the sign. As an extra precaution, you should force your guests to sign a waiver before entering. You can never be too careful when allowing relatives to roam freely through your elegantly-appointed home. You never know what sort of trouble these people might get into.
You're welcome,
SJG

Dear SJG,
I'm having not one, but two house guests this Thanksgiving. When is the right time to tell them my rates have gone up? Before, after or during the meal?
Thanks,
Front Desk

Dear Front Desk,
To avoid any awkwardness or Thanksgiving tantrums, just swipe their credit cards when they're not looking, and let them figure it out on their own.
You're Welcome,
SJG

Mazel Tov Worthy, Or What?

Such a nice couple

The news that Sarah Ferguson and Prince Andrew are getting re-hitched, thanks to Kate Middleton running interference on their behalf, has warmed the SJG's heart on this semi-chilly Sherman Oaks morning. I have it on so-so authority that the conversation between Kate and the Queen went something like this:

Kate: "A little toe-sucking, a little nudity. It's all in the past, Granny. Just another royal scandal no one remembers. Let it go, already."
Queen: "I think not. She's so uncouth."
Kate: "She's plenty couth."
Queen: "Since when?"
Kate: "Since she took that online course on couthiness."
Queen: "Cuppa tea? Chocolate bikkie?"
Kate: "Don't change the subject, Granny."
Queen: "I'm the Queen, you know."
Kate: "Yes, you are. And as Queen, you need the world to see how forgiving you are."
Queen: "I'm not in the business of forgiveness. A beheading goes a long way."
Kate: "Granny!"
Queen: "I'm kidding."
Kate: "You're so naughty."
Queen: "I try."
Kate: "Now Granny, seriously, you must give Andy and Fergie your blessing or they can't re-wed. I can assure you based on the one time I bumped into her at Marks & Sparks that Fergie is a changed personage."
Queen: "If you say so."
Kate: "So you'll give them your blessing?"
Queen: "Maybe."
Kate: "Come on, Granny. Bitterness does not become you."
Queen: "I'm not paying for the wedding."
Kate: "That's only fair."
Queen: "And if she dances topless at the reception, I'll simply have to throw her in the tower."
Kate: "No one would blame you."

The Only Product You'll Ever Need

(Sherman Oaks) A short Jewish maven on everything proudly announces the release of SJG Emotional Scar Removal Cream, a miracle formula comprised of amnesia-inducing New Age remedies and a hefty dose of rachmones. "That's Yiddish for compassion," the SJG said in a self-serving interview at her palatial estate. "You can't get rid of those deep emotional scars without self-compassion, am I right? The instant suppression of unhappy memories is an added bonus. Just apply a nice shmear and no one will see the pain and suffering you're trying to cover up. A week or two of twice-daily application and those hurtful issues you've been shlepping around in your eff'd up psyche since birth will dramatically diminish. Suddenly, you'll have the energy and confidence to face your relatives at Thanksgiving without projecting years of anger and bitter resentment over all the dumb and insulting things they've said and done. Remember a few years back, when Great Auntie Zelda asked if you were pregnant and all you could say was, 'I don't have a uterus anymore'? Well, my emotional relief emollient will help you vanquish all that ugliness, once and for all. A month in, your natural glow of feigned mental health will shine through and everyone will think you just got back from Maui. SJG Emotional Scar Removal Cream will eradicate a lifetime of trauma, so fast your head will spin like a dreidel. You may get a little nauseous, but as side effects go, it could be worse. " The SJG went on to say that no therapists were harmed in the making of this, the only topical you'll ever need.

Before "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"

Mike Nichols: A legendary mensch 

... and "Barefoot in the Park" and "The Graduate"; before the Tonys, Oscars and Emmys; before Diane Sawyer, there was Nichols & May. My parents introduced us to their brilliant comedy album when we were kids. We'd sit in the den with our grandparents, "An Evening with Mike Nichols & Elaine May," on the turntable, and our laughter echoing off the walls. Here's my favorite routine: "Mother and Son."