Friday, November 21, 2014

The Only Product You'll Ever Need

(Sherman Oaks) A short Jewish maven on everything proudly announces the release of SJG Emotional Scar Removal Cream, a miracle formula comprised of amnesia-inducing New Age remedies and a hefty dose of rachmones. "That's Yiddish for compassion," the SJG said in a self-serving interview at her palatial estate. "You can't get rid of those deep emotional scars without self-compassion, am I right? The instant suppression of unhappy memories is an added bonus. Just apply a nice shmear and no one will see the pain and suffering you're trying to cover up. A week or two of twice-daily application and those hurtful issues you've been shlepping around in your eff'd up psyche since birth will dramatically diminish. Suddenly, you'll have the energy and confidence to face your relatives at Thanksgiving without projecting years of anger and bitter resentment over all the dumb and insulting things they've said and done. Remember a few years back, when Great Auntie Zelda asked if you were pregnant and all you could say was, 'I don't have a uterus anymore'? Well, my emotional relief emollient will help you vanquish all that ugliness, once and for all. A month in, your natural glow of feigned mental health will shine through and everyone will think you just got back from Maui. SJG Emotional Scar Removal Cream will eradicate a lifetime of trauma, so fast your head will spin like a dreidel. You may get a little nauseous, but as side effects go, it could be worse. " The SJG went on to say that no therapists were harmed in the making of this, the only topical you'll ever need.


  1. If used as toothpaste twice daily, it might also provide a preventive effect, and force a random comment of kindness, or allow a hint of a smile to shine through all of the wrinkle cream around the lips and eyes...

  2. Me likey. I'll contact the manufacturer. SJG Mood Brightener? Sounds like a winner.

  3. SJG Mood Brightener, Depression Lightener & Random Act of Kindness Oral Rinse?