How Not To Apologize

I know you are, but what am I?

Let's face it, some people just don't know how to say "I'm sorry." Some people present a pseudo apology when all they're really saying is,"Get over it." Lucky for you, the SJG is the master of apologies. It is my honor to guide you through this uncomfortable patch. I've been apologizing for things I may or not be guilty of since 1958, so trust me, I know what I'm talking about. First, here are some rules for dummies who should know better.

What not to do when "apologizing":
1.Yodel
2. Laugh
3. Blow your nose
4. Lose control of bodily functions
5. Call a friend
6. Root for the home team
7. Fiddle with your iPhone, iPad, laptop
8. Sing the National Anthem
9. Reenact the Civil War
10. Guzzle tequila

What to do when apologizing sincerely:
1. Grovel
2. Cry
3. Beg
4. Repeat steps 1 - 3
5. Admit you eff'd up
6. Promise not to ever eff up again
7. Give scorned person a very expensive gift
8. Give scorned person an elegant spa retreat
9. Chant "I'm sorry" 18 times while spinning on your head
10. Repeat steps 1 - 3