What should I give you for your upcoming birthday? I'm in a generous mood that probably won't last.
Love,
Dusty
Dear Dusty,
Please drop the credit card you stole from my wallet. I said Drop It. My credit card has its limits, and so do I. It's not fair to tease me with gifts I will never receive. You are a cruel, yet adorable doggy.
Love,
The Woman Who May or May Not Have Given Birth To You
Dear SJG,
We understand you've set up a gift registry for yourself. Even though we find that unbelievably tacky, and even though we never buy you a gift, we let Dad take care of that, we wanted to ask you what's on the list of things we won't be getting you.
Love,
The Sons You Actually Gave Birth To
Dear Sons,
I've registered for the following items. Feel free not to buy me any of them, so that I can guilt you later at the party you won't be throwing me:
1. Neverending nachas from the both of you. That's Yiddish for joy, blessings and pride from your children. As opposed to a greasy platter of nachos. I hear there's a shortage of Velveeta cheese, so I wouldn't want to trouble you to get in your cars and find something that gooey and goyisha.
2. Your eternal devotion to me and only me. Dad will understand. I think.
3. I want you should each go on one date with a Jewish girl. Give it a try. What's the worst that could happen? You fall in love, get married and give me grandchildren, and later invite me to a bar or bat mitzvah?
4. Put one of the many dishes you use and recklessly discard in a dishwasher. It doesn't have to be our dishwasher, it could be a neighbor's, or a distant relative's.
5. For the week of my birthday, that's right, I deserve an entire week after what you've put me through, and I say that with love, banish the word "fart" from your vocabulary.
Kisses,
Your Favorite Mother
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