Thursday, March 25, 2010

The "Idol" Doctor Is In

                    I Have A Few Thoughts

My prediction that Paige would get booted from "Idol"?  A done deal.  I'm happy to collect my prize now.  What?  I get nothing for this victory, except a sick thrill?  Fine, I'll take it.  Even if a ticket arrived to see the so-called Top Ten on Tour, I'm not sure I'd grab it.  Last night's high point:  Tim landing in the bottom two.  Low point:  Miley's Melodramic Head Drop During Weepy Please Go See My New Movie Ballad.  A close second:  "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" group dance/synch-along.  Two words:  Awk!  Ward! 

Let's just say this year's Top 10 is a head-scratcher.  Here's the breakdown and my own damn mentoring:
1.  Crystal Mamasox.  You're so far above the pack, it's ridiculous.  Stay healthy.  Stay true.  Ignore the judges.
2.  Casey the Hotness:  You consistently bring it, week after week.  And, you're hot.  Keep on keepin' on.  You're Bo Bice-lite.  Work it.
3.  Big Mike:  Some find you cheesy, over-the-top, hambone.  I dig your confidence, your R&B-ness, your bone-crushing huggy-bearness.  Keep it comin.'  You make us smile.
4.  Lee D:  You've got that Counting Crows/Rob Marshall vibe.  Just believe in yourself, dude.  The only thing you have to fear is fear itself!  (Thanks FDR.  Good line.)
5.  Siobhan:  Not my fav, but a talented, quirky song stylist.  I like your geeky gal with the huge glasses look.  I'd love to see you just be yourself, not rip off Adam Lambert every week.  Keep it real, sistah.
6.  Didi Indeedy Do:  You need the guitar.  Please retrieve it immediately.  At least for next week, or I predict an adios coming your way.  You're the Cobie Caillat of the group.  Don't be ashamed.  Own it.  That's your deal.  You're Brooke White.  Run with it.
7.  Aaron K:  Yeah, you've got that tender twang.  Sweet face.  Sweet kid.  Nice Christian boy.  You don't light any fires.  You play it safe.  Not a trace of hip or edge to you.  Not to worry.  You'll be around awhile.  Conservative America burns up the lines on your behalf.  You could go to the Top Five.
8.  Alex G:  Man.  You had it but you lost it and you need to get it back.  Why has no one told you to go with your roots?  Stir up some East L.A.  Toss in a little Los Lobos.  Order up a side of Jose Feliciano.  Be authentic.  Quit trying to over-please. The pipes are a great thing.  Keep it simple.  Keep it Kris Allen, Latino-style.  Just do it.  I'm so right, I scare myself.  "Straight Up" worked cuz you gave it a hint of Hispania.  Be proud.  Show your struggle. 
9.  Katie:  Hmmm.  Pitchy pitchy pitchy.  What to do?  What to do?  Emergency voice lessons.  Keep it young.  Skip the ballads, I'm begging you.  Step away from the slow groove.  Too serious.  Too earnest.  And don't go country.  Don't go there.  Don't.  You're not playful enough for country.  Trust me!
10.  Tim U:  Only ace in the hole?  Your boyish charm.  You're there on a cuteness pass.  You weren't even in the Top 24, but thanks to some other dude's bad luck, you're still there.  So stop goofing off.  Take it seriously.  This isn't a high school talent show.  THIS is American Idol.  Show it (and us) some respect.  If anyone should go a little country, it's you.  Channel your namesake.  Give us some Keith Urban.  Your best was "Hallelujah."  Stay in that lane, as Kara would say.  Sing to the ladies.  No more sliding on the stage, no more lame-ass dancing.  Work the heartstrings, baby.  That's your only shot.


  1. I so love your AI earnestness, short gal. It makes me want to hang with it next year, even after SiCow is gone.

  2. It's been hard to muster the mojo this season, but I'm trying. For me, it's all about Crystal, donchna know.