To Dream The Impossible Dream

Before you know it, as in next month, the Jewish Holidays will be upon us. And that can only mean one thing. Cooking. Okay, two things. Cooking and cleaning. Okay, three things. Cooking and cleaning and setting the table. But in this busy life we lead, who has time to cook and clean and set the table for relatives who are just going to come over, eat everything in sight, make a mess and leave? Is this the only reason we were put on this earth? To cater to everyone else? To put our own needs last? Of course, silly. Why are you even bothering to ask? And yet, there must be a way to get it all done without cutting into the day and robbing us of all the fun. Like watching the Barefoot Contessa make kugel, instead of us. She uses half and half and ricotta. Who knew?

Here's the good news, my friends. A new sleep aid is about to hit the market, courtesy of SJG Pharmaceuticals: ChoreWhorePM. A superior formula of top secret herbal ingredients and guilt allows you to do all your High Holiday tasks while you sleep. That's right. You heard me. Make a brisket while you doze. Make a pot of chicken soup while you catch some zzzzzzzz's. Make the house look nice while you Samba with the Sand Man. ChoreWhorePM is gentle yet effective. It helps you do your chores in record time, and still wake up feeling completely refreshed. You'll come downstairs in the morning and find the table set, the dust bunnies gone, the cooking done and in the fridge, wrapped tightly in foil, so no air should get in, God forbid. A miracle? You betcha, bitches.

ChoreWhorePM is available at your local pharmacy or temple gift shop. Supplies are limited. So hurry up, slow poke. Be the first on your block to tell your friends about the honey cake you made after you went nighty-night. Side effects may include inexplicable bruises, sprains, fork-related injuries, oven burns, weight gain and uncontrollable flatulence. But come on, isn't it worth it?