Moody Hues: Deeply Disturbing Designer Paints

(Sherman Oaks) Well, if this isn't exciting news, we don't know what is. The SJG has just released her first line of Deeply Disturbing Designer Paint, simply called, "Moody Hues." "Forget reading the tea leaves to see what the future holds. Why not read the paint chips, instead? Why not splatter your feelings all over the estate?" she said in an interview with The Balabusta Bargaineer. "The best part is, much like cheap hair dye, the color washes away within 24 hours of application. Just spritz the wall with a bissele H2-O, and away it goes. Genius, or what? The truth is, and this may sting a bit, your family isn't listening to you, anyway. So let each room speak volumes. After raising the kids, maintaining a semblance of a career, cheering on your spouse and catering to canine demands, isn't it time for some pointed self-expression? You bet your tuchas it is! Every room deserves a different shade of hostility, fragility and/or instability that tells your peeps, 'Back off, Mama's having a day.' "

The SJG generously shared her first five "Moody Hues," and we just have to say, "Wowza." Trust us, our enthusiasm has nothing to do with the full-page ad she took out in the Bargaineer:

DISCOMBOBULATION: An ugly hodgepodge of blue, green and yellow that will look decidedly wrong on any wall, but even more hideous on a doorway or accent area.

ANGSTY AFTERNOON: A walk-in closet becomes its own padded cell, thanks to this cracked eggshell white, perfect for those moments when you need to scream a lot.

UNHINGED: Add a kvetchy touch of dark purple despair in your master bathroom, then go ahead and cry while staring in the mirror, counting your lost dreams.

NEGATIVITY TIME: The most depressing gray backdrop in a bedroom or living space ever. Two seconds with this cloudy hue and you'll be reflecting on your sad excuse for a life, not to mention, removing everyone from your will.

SINISTER SCENARIO: Sure, a bold black border makes a statement, but why not go for broke and paint the entire downstairs an inky, murderous charcoal, turn out the lights, and let the accusations fly. A hue that Agatha Christie would undoubtedly endorse.