I'm so excited about my new update, I had to share it with you, my favorite people on this silly planet. I'm working so much more efficiently now. I'm easier to read and can perform normal everyday tasks much faster. I can fold the laundry and put it away in under four minutes. I can grocery shop, cook a gourmet dinner and clean up in six minutes. I look younger, too, thanks to the new app that came with the upgrade. I'm now instantly refreshed and permanently photo-shopped. I appear in tastefully-applied makeup at all times. I look brighter and wrinkle-free, 10 pounds thinner and two inches taller. There's no humble way to put this. I look freakin' awesome. And the best part is, I didn't even have to stand in line to make this miracle happen. All I had to do was plug myself into the nearest socket, enter my privacy code (K - V - E - T - C - H) and execute a quick, relatively painless download into my brain -- I won't lie, it tingled a bit -- and within 20 minutes, hello SJG OS7! This upgraded gal has it together. All my worry bugs, fears, anxiety, neuroses, and self-doubt have been sent off to the OyCloud forever. Ba-bye mishegas! Adios dysfunction! Shalom leftover childhood issues! See you never again, God willing. I can hardly wait for the next update. There's always room for improvement.