I know, I know, you do an authentic seder that lasts hours and hours. You and your family reenact the Exodus from Egypt and post it live on Facebook. My people aren't that patient, or just between us, interested. My people are of the "cut to the chase, let's eat" variety. Many years of hosting, not to mention attending, Passover seders have taught the SJG that my tiny yet meaningful tribe can't even get through a five minute seder without turning it into a Borscht Belt routine. A few years ago, I came up with the speediest haggadah on the planet, with a little help from the Internet. It is my gift to you. You're welcome.
LEADER:
Welcome to our
Seder! It’s time to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt.
EVERYBODY:
Baruch ata
adonai eloheinu melech haolam, borei pri hagafen.
LEADER:
Drink!
Let’s say another
prayer:
EVERYBODY:
Baruch Ata
Adonay Elohenu Melech Ha-olam, She-hechiyanu, V’kimanu, V’heegianu, La’zman
hazeh.
LEADER:
[Holds matzoh
high ]
This is the poor
man’s bread that our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. They didn’t have time
to let it rise. They had to get the hell out. This year we are here, next year
let’s celebrate in Jerusalem. (Or
Sherman Oaks.) This year we are slaves, next year may we be free! Woo hoo!
Now, let’s say the four
questions:
EVERYBODY:
1. What's up with
the matzoh?
2. What's the deal
with horseradish?
3. What's with the
dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this
whole reclining at the table business?
LEADER:
Here’s the short
answer. We were slaves in Egypt. Moses said to Pharaoh, “Let my people go!” Pharaoh
said, “No!” Then God punished him with 10 plagues… too disgusting to mention.
Frogs, blood, etc. We didn’t have enough time to wait for the bread to rise, so
we made a big batch of matzoh and fled. Not that it was easy. First Moses
parted the Red Sea and then we got a little lost in the desert. But only for 40
years. The matzoh, the
horseradish, the bitter herbs… all represent how we struggled as slaves to
break free. Tonight we recline to celebrate our freedom! Woo hoo!
[Raise glass]
Everybody Drink! Everybody sing!
Everybody sing
DAYEINU:
Day-day-einu, Day-day-einu, etc.
LEADER
So. What’s with this cup of wine that nobody drinks? That’s for Elijah,
the prophet who may or may not show up to announce the arrival of the Messiah!
EVERYBODY:
Welcome back, Elijah! Come recline with us!
LEADER
Every year, we come
together on Passover. Why? I’ll tell you why. So we can feel like WE left
Egypt, too. Message received! So let’s thank God (or, if you prefer, the
Universe) for the miracles of the Exodus. Looks like we made it after all!
EVERYBODY:
Hallelujah!
LEADER:
In conclusion, they
tried to kill us, they failed. Let’s eat!
Perfect! I'm using it verbatim
ReplyDeleteBubbles!
DeleteOk since my kids are only going to be home for about 10 minutes and on the weekend instead of the first or second night, we are using yours for sure. They will all be so happy! xoxo
ReplyDelete