Fall Fashion Tips

"I can't believe she left the house looking like that." 

"She's taken schlumpy to a new level."

Exciting developments in the wardrobe of the SJG. The summer schlep-wear has been replaced by the fall schlep-wear. Slightly-stained tank tops I should be ashamed to wear out of the house, or even in the house, have given way to aging Gap T-shirts I should've tossed or cut up into rags. Unflattering drawstring shorts have been callously shoved aside by faded sweatpants that do my figure no favors. The secret to looking this schlumpy? If I tell you, I'll have to kill you, and at this point, my criminal record is more-or-less clean. The main thing is, don't think of your personal lack of style in negative terms. Think of your crappy-ass clothes as casual wear that's seen better days. Today's fashion tips: Stay comfy, my friends. Rotate the schlep-wear so you don't bore your family. Keep them guessing what you might blindly throw on your body this morning. Never look at yourself in the mirror. Never. But if you accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself, keep the screaming to a minimum. You don't want to scare the dog. And remember, by the weekend, the temperatures will climb back up into the '90s. Welcome back, drawstring shorts. Come to mama.