How Jews Celebrate Columbus Day

Dear SJG,
What do Jews eat on Columbus Day? Are there any restrictions I should know about? I'm having a few over for dinner tonight to celebrate this important holiday. I'd hate to offend them. They're the only people still talking to me.
Thanks,
People Pleaser

Dear Pleaser,
To Jews, Columbus Day is just another holiday to question and feel guilty about. They have no idea if it's a real thing, a made-up thing, a good thing, a bad thing. Where's the proof? If it's not in the Torah, why should we care? For all we know, the real hero of this bubbe meise is Mordechai, the Santa Maria's tailor and the only one brave enough to ask, "Did anyone bring some Dramamine? I'm feeling a little queasy." And yet, according to my friend Laurie Wiener Morgan, a maven on so many things I've lost count, Mordechai may not have been the only Jew on board. Supposedly, Columbus schlepped a number of Jews who were escaping the Spanish Inquisition. So, inviting members of the tribe to break bread on Columbus Day is a smart move on your part. If you want to score extra points, don't forget the party favors.  Matching T-shirts that say, "They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat," across the front will go far. After that, all you have to do is serve something delicious and stay away from politics.
You're welcome,
The SJG