Lately, I've had a little trouble confronting the people who are driving me somewhat insane. I just don't know how to get my point across, semi-diplomatically. I turn to you, Master of Your Own Website Domain, for help and guidance.
Thanks,
Exasperated in Encino
Dear Exasperated,
Thanks to a recent tune-up at Mentally Yours, a lovely mental health spa that took over my neighborhood Nail Me Now Salon, I'm happy to share the Bagel Technique with you. It's a little something I ordered from the cognitive therapy menu, and I'm telling you, doll, it works. Here's how: Pick a bagel. Onion, sesame, plain. Slice it in half. Careful of the fingies! Decide on your filling. Cream cheese. Cream cheese and lox. Butter. Still with me? Good. It's time to approach the instigator of aggravation. For our purposes, let's say it's that gum-smacking byotch in the next cubicle. You've dropped every hint known to mankind. You've worn your noise-cancelling headphones. You can still hear her chomping on the Trident like a barn animal. It's time to use the Bagel Technique. The top half is your humble stab at diplomacy. The filling is your gentle heartfelt request. The bottom half seals the deal.
(Top half) Hey, Cleo, I know how much you enjoy your gum. I get it. I mean, who doesn't like a nice sticky piece of something so freakin' minty fresh, it's crazy?
(Filling) Sometimes, though, you snap your gum so loudly, it's really hard to get work done. Plus, nine out of ten dentists say that gum-snapping cuts 12 years off your life expectancy. Maybe more. I'm wondering if you might be willing to snap your gum only during breaks? Or only on weekends? Or only never? I vote for never.
(Bottom half) Okay, so, good talk, Cleo. Thanks for working with me on this issue. I really look forward to not hearing you snap, crackle, pop your gum ever again. Oh, and enjoy the bagel.
You're welcome,
The SJG
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