My Aging Goddess Routine

(Sherman Oaks) The SJG is, in her own words, "An Aging Goddess." Over lukewarm coffee on the veranda of her palatial estate, she shared some of her secrets with a reporter from The Daily Punim. "You want to know why I look this good? I'll tell you. I owe it all to Grandma Shorty. She had the dewiest complexion and the smoothest skin, all thanks to paper towels. You heard me. Paper towels. And maybe a bissel soap and water. That was her entire beauty routine. Soap. Water. Paper towels. So I've followed her routine, religiously, with maybe one or two variations. Just between us, Grandma Shorty knew bupkis about sunscreen.

Back in Kiev, sun damage was the least of their concerns, not that they had a lot of time to tan, anyway. They were too busy trying to escape. So, along with the soap, the water and the towels -- not paper, I admit, because I'd feel too guilty with all the felling of the trees just to pamper my punim. So I've swapped paper for the more environmentally-correct terrycloth. Then there's the sunscreen, the moisturizer, the Vitamin C serum, the under-the-eye de-puffer, the over-the-eye de-wrinkler, the twice-weekly, seriously abrasive body scrub -- aka The Scream Heard Round The ’Hood -- the 18-hour dark chocolate chakra realignment, the 19-hour vanilla almond aura overhaul... and as a finishing touch, a nice spritz of de-angstification. That's pretty much it. I think Grandma Shorty would be very proud of how closely I've followed her beauty routine. I just know she's up there kvelling on my behalf. Either that, or scolding me for getting too fancy."