A Whole Lotta Lattes

Who needs this?

So fine, Starbucks just announced the return of its popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, boasting of fall flavors, steamed milk, plenty sugar, and pumpkin puree. All I can say to that is ick. You heard me. Ick. When I think of pumpkin, I think of Sir Blakey, the Royal Rescue Pup of Questionable Stomach Issues. We put a nice schmear of pumpkin on everything our doggy eats to keep those issues at bay. The thought of making our coffee taste like pumpkin? No thankie.

When you can have this?

Naturally, this got me ruminating. Why not come up with my own eff'n latte, full of Jewish angst and a hefty jolt to get you out the door early? Why early? I'll tell you why. Because Jews arrive early and leave early, that's why. It's an ancestral trait stemming from all that running, fleeing, escaping, you get the idea. All of this has served as "inspo" for a variety of luscious lattes, available soon at the SJG Drive-Thru, reflecting the afore-mentioned historic fight-or-flight instinct, deliciously. Options will include:

The SJG Poppy Seed Latte. These nutty poppy seeds are used in everything from sweet rolls and cakes to strudel and hamantaschen and may get stuck in your teeth for decades if you forget to floss. A year-round taste of Purim? Yes, please.

The SJG Caraway Latte. Slightly bitter, much like your humble blogger after countless career disappointments, this amazing creation will remind you of your favorite Jewish rye, braised cabbage and soup. It's not just a coffee treat, it's a yummy side dish, too.

The SJG Dill Latte. Fresh and robust, this is the Ashkenazi-esque latte you've been craving. Not only will the vibe remind you of the best dill pickles ever, it will also do double duty as a medicinal cure for all your digestive problems and infections, and work as a magic weapon, defending you against witchcraft and whatnot. You're welcome.

How dare you?