Under The Chuppah

This summer, it's been slim pickings, TV-wise, am I right?  Still, there's one show I'm completely obsessed with, and once you read about it, maybe you'll start watching it, too, so we'll have something to discuss next time I bump into you at Gelson's or CVS or at my next probation hearing.  Here's everything you need to know about "Under the Chuppah," a sci-fi, Stephen Kingstein spin on life beneath a huge invisible canopy of guilt and shame and angst like you wouldn't believe.

When this ominous cloak of "Oy Veysmere, You've Got to be Kidding" descends out of nowhere, it's clear to the people of Kugelsberg that God is very, very angry.  The trapped townsfolk don't know whether to dance the hora, sing "Sunrise, Sunset" and yell "L'chaim!" till they drop, or run for their lives.  They decide to run, they aren't dummies, but all that running doesn't get them too far, thanks to the afore-mentioned Scary-Ass Chuppah. Bam! They smack into an invisible barrier and the results are less than encouraging.  There's a lot of groaning and damaged keppies from all that bumping into bupkis.

Also, a lot of people plotz.  This particularly giant Chuppah has an odd way of dispensing with the average citizens of Kugelsberg, who selfishly just want to live.  Well, guess what?  If everybody lived on "Under the Chuppah," there'd be no suspense.  Here are the main characters who have yet to plotz, but there's still time:

Big Goy --  a short, evil deli owner who serves stale rye bread and wants to rule Kugelsberg.

Hot Goy -- a handsome, hunky guy with some sort of background in something, but honestly, who cares?  He's adorable and knows how to use a gun.

Hot Redheaded Shiksa Goddess -- a reporter hot on the trail of a fast-breaking news story.  She and Hot Goy get together, and what a lovely couple they make.  The fact that he killed her husband, the doctor/compulsive tummler, is neither here nor there.  They look good together.  What else matters?

Junior Big Goy -- Big Goy's son, who, as luck would have it, is tall. Junior Big Goy misses his mother, who may or may not be dead, but he thinks she is, until he finds out she isn't, and that makes him even crazier than before, which trust me, isn't good for the people of Kugelsberg.

Rabbi Ralph Rabinowitz -- such a nice man, a total mensch who tries to keep everyone calm amidst the pandemonium.  It's so noble, so righteous, yet leads to nothing good.  The same day the Looming Chuppah of Doom drops, Rabbi Ralph insists on performing Shmuel's bar mitzvah, a decision he soon comes to regret.  Mid-bar mitzvah, Rabbi Ralph gets a mysterious, high-voltage zap from above and perishes right there on the bima.  It's very upsetting to the four Jewish families in attendance.  Smart group, they all take off running, and can you blame them?  This is what our people do in times of turmoil.  Run and keep running.  Sadly, the only Jews left in Kugelsberg don't get very far, on account of the afore-mentioned Meshuggeneh Chuppah.

The other characters come and go.  Some die, some live and then they die.  Some die and come back to life.  Some stay dead.  Some kiss. Some yell. Some plot revenge. Several expensive tchotchkes are destroyed along the way.  In summation, some wacky sh*t goes down in the messed-up fictional town of Kugelsberg.  That's pretty much all you need to know about "Under the Chuppah."  I'm telling you, that Stephen Klingstein is a genius!