Ina In The House

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in the waiting room, minding my own retina, watching "The Barefoot Contessa" on The Food Network. Have you noticed she's never actually barefoot? What up with that? Just then, as opposed to later, it occurred to the SJG that the powers-that-be usually have the TV tuned to a certain inflammatory news network that drives me insane. "Oh, boy, they're keeping it neutral at the House of Retinal Issues," I said to no one. And just as I was settling in, watching Ina do something fabulous with flour, a coupla altacockers came in, loudly. One look at the Contessa and the husband went ballistic. Maybe he forgot he wasn't in his own living room, but a waiting room full of folks with Eye-Related Tsuris.

"Would you look at that!" he hollered. "They've got a cooking show on! No wonder Americans are so fat. They're always watching cooking shows." His wife, poor thing, turned borscht red and tried unsuccessfully to shush him. "It's nice to watch people cook," she whispered. "Cooking shows!" he yelled again.

Well, the SJG was outraged. Outraged, I tell ya. There were so many, many things I wanted to say to this opinionated fella. Such as, but not limited to, "How dare you! That's the Barefoot Contessa up there on the flatscreen, mister. She's Cooking Royalty. Plus, better to watch a cooking show than a bunch of nudnik commentators who wouldn't know a chanterelle from a shiitake. Good day, sir. I said good day."

Before I could openly emote in defense of Ina Garten, my retina was summoned into Exam Room 2, and inspected as gently as a rare and delicate white truffle. "Retina-wise, you're good to go," the eye doctor said. "See you in six months." "Not if I see you first," I said. "By the way, love the Food Network in the waiting room, instead of that other horribly divisive channel you usually have on." "The Food Network was on? That's a mistake. Heads are gonna roll. The nurses must've put that on during lunch and forgotten to switch it back. I'll make sure that doesn't happen again."