Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Ready For My Guilt Trip

The SJG is proud to announce the opening of my new travel agency, SJG Guilt Excursions. I will take you where you don't particularly want to go, and strand you there till you get the message. I will ask, "Are you listening to me?" approximately 120 times. I will ask, "Where did I go wrong?" maybe 92 times, maybe 93, depending on my mood. I will look you in the eye, tap you on the side of your keppy, and ask, "What do I have to do to get through to you?" 84 times, consecutively. I will repeat the phrase, "You're not the only one on the planet," 58 times. I will sigh heavily. I will gather personal information. I will hack into your brain. I will interview your relatives, those alive and those not.  I will regale you with tales of how you've let down the people who loved you most. I will remind you of every missed opportunity and all the other nice things you've selfishly squandered for no good reason. After constant berating and painful reminders, if -- God willing -- what I'm saying starts to sink in, or you convince me I'm reaching you, even if I'm not, then you get to come home, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash and make your bed. Call 1-800-ENABLER to book your SJG Guilt Excursion. And guess what? It's free. But don't get too excited. There are hidden psychological fees. You'll pay dearly for this trip.

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