Saturday, September 17, 2016

My List of Demands

Every celebrity has his or her demands. That's why they're celebrities. They get to make demands. But, I ask you, why can't I, the SJG of Sherman Oaks, California, make my own demands? Just try to stop me:

Living Room should be 74 degrees
Kitchen should be 73 degrees
Outside should be 72 degrees
Coffee whenever I snap my fingers
2.5 Onion Bagels
1.5 Sesame Bagels
1.3 Egg Bagels
2 Ripe bananas
1 Semi-ripe banana
0 Mushy bananas
Lightly Seasoned Steamed Kumquats
Heavily Seasoned Steamed Rutabagas
1 Fully-Bloomed Begonia
Four Rose Scented Yahrtzeit Candles
1 Mood Elevator
1 Bottle Manischewitz (Kosher)
1 Assortment Non-Snapping Chewing gum (Sugar-Free)
1 Nice Coffee Cake
1 Naughty Chippendales Dancer
1 Large, CLEAN throw rug (non-allergenic, synthetic Guinea Pig) 
1 Vat Expensive Anti-Aging Moisturizer
1 Flattering Full-Length Mirror
1 Flattering Punim Mirror
12 Dumbbells
12 Smartbells
1 Talking Torah
1 Non-Talking Neighbor
1 Tricycle
1 Unicycle
1 Unicorn
14 Unsalted Roasted Almonds
8 Salted Unroasted Almonds
1 Twilight Zone Protein Bar

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