Thursday, February 9, 2017

Valentine's Day Advice

Dear SJG,
I am the cutest, most popular girl in Mrs. Pumpkinstillstein's 4th grade Math Avoidance Class at Sherman Oaks Center for the Mildly Gifted. I'd like to know if I can catch cooties from all the valentines I'm forced to accept from icky kids I can't stand.
Dear Cootie-Phobe,
According to my esteemed medical advisor Dr. Sasha Shanda, cooties are the worst. They can linger for days, months, years. There's no vaccination to protect you. Be smart. Don't accept any valentines from anyone this year, or next. You need to build up your cootie immunity. Sure, your popularity may dip, bigly. You may not get invited to any birthday parties ever again. You may become a classroom pariah. You may never know the joy of scarfing those tiny Sweet Tart Hearts till your teeth rot. In general, all the kids may avoid you like the plague for being so snooty. Eff them. Sometimes in life, you need to take a stand. Better safe than sought-after.
You're Welcome,

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