Primitive Impulses

"Don't judge me."

(Sherman Oaks) The Institute of Noshing just released its latest study and the results may knock you flat on your tushy: The SJG eats more in winter. "Listen," the highly-acclaimed blogger told Fressers Daily, "it's my primitive impulse to stockpile calories for the chilly Sherman Oaks winter ahead. Some days, it dips below 70! I need to eat to stay warm. It goes without saying, but if I don't say it, who will, that I was honored to be part of the study. I learned so much! The institute verified what I've suspected all along: I'm actually a descendent of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Why else would I store bagels in my cheeks?"

A few relatives I'm not estranged from. Yet. 

In between sharpening her teeth with a file, and chomping on walnuts still in their shell, the SJG added that the Institute of Noshing's study also revealed how crazy competitive her family gets around the holidays. "Leftovers barely make it from fridge to plate before someone I've given birth to grabs a treat right out of my hand. It's Survival of the Fittest, I tell ya. Why, just yesterday, I was about to pop a reheated latke in my mouth when someone I once pushed in a stroller yelled, 'Look, Ma, Ina Garten's on TV, doing something wonderful with chicken.' The second I turned my keppy, this person I've lovingly enabled snatched my potato pancake and swallowed it whole. Would he have behaved like a starving animal in spring or summer? Hard to say, but I'd like to attribute his total lack of impulse control to scientifically-established, winter hoarding patterns." In fact, she blames her own indiscriminate carbo loading on hereditary. "Oh, it's definitely in my DNA. I was raised on great deli, so it's my parents' fault that especially at this time of year, I can't walk past a nice platter without sampling something altogether delish."