That's Me In The Dog Cone

Sometimes I must put myself out there. Sometimes I must don the Cone of Shame. But then, who hasn't donned a metaphorical Cone of Shame at some point in his/her sad existence? This one just happens to be real. Why? I'll you why. Because I take my silliness very seriously. Oh, I see. You need additional proof. Fine. The following conversation took place a few days ago at PetSmart. 

"Hi, I'm looking for dog cones."

"What kind?"

"The kind humans can wear."

He doesn't even flinch. "I know just the one." He proceeds to show me a variety of "protective e-collars," as they're called, before asking, "What are the cones for?"

"A play."

"Oh, really? I'm an actor." He rattles off his credits, adding, "I'm just doing this part time. What I really do is props."

"Props? Pray tell!" If anyone needs free prop advice for the upcoming free staged reading of "Brushes: A Comedy of Hairs" (by Cathy Hamilton, a tall Kansan Catholic, and a short Sherman Oaks Jew), c'est moi. 

"Well," he begins, sharing a list of shows he's done props for, "you really need velcro."

"Velcro is everything. Where are the velcro ones?"

He shows me a few. But they won't work. They need to be clear. Why? You'll have to come see the show to understand. 

"Here's what you do." 

"I'm listening."

"Get these clear ones -- "

"Size?"

"XXL."

"Okay."

"Then go to the fabric store and buy velcro, then attach -- "

"Hang on there, mister. I'm not attaching anything. I was born without the craftsy gene."

"In that case, buy the velcro ones at PetSmart online."

"That I can do."

"If you run into any trouble, you know where to find me."

"Here."

"Part time. Tuesday, Wednesday -- "

Before he can recite his hours, I'm in the car. I'm driving away.  

Shameless plug: Staged Reading of "Brushes: A Comedy of Hairs," Sunday, July 22 at 7, Theatre West, 3333 Cahuenga West.