Keep It Simple, Sugar

"She wants to know where the office is."

"Hahahaha lol."  

"What should I tell her?"

"Make something up." 

Keep It Simple, Sugar. That's the SJG motto. My brain is too crowded for complicated. It just is. I need simple. I need easy-peasy. I need no-brainer. With that in mind, I drove to my local Westfield for my annual purchase of Westfield Gift Cards. After 40 years of exchanging sweaters, scarves, socks and an assortment of jewelry items, I finally got the gals I've adored since junior high to simplify the gifts. "Who wants to do gift cards, instead?" I asked one day. A collective sigh of relief went round the Ivy table. So, every year, the two January birthday gals get Westfield gift cards and act surprised and delighted, and the two March birthday gals get Westfield gift cards and act surprised and delighted. These little cards make the four of us ridiculously happy, and what's better than that? Not much. 

And yet, yesterday my simple assignment... drive the two blocks, park, get out, get the cards, leave... took a turn toward the Twilight Zone. I went to the usual spot and discovered a ghost office with the strangest of signs: We've Moved To A Place You'll Never Find. There was a phone number to call in the likely event you couldn't find it. Determined to find it, anyway, I walked around the mall, looking for a secret mall office time tunnel. Along the way, an angry Kiosk guy tried to sell me something and I waved him off. "Hey!" he yelled after me. "You know what?" I didn't want to know. I'm was pretty sure, "You're a bitch," was the next sentence. I asked salespeople in Macy's, "Do you know where the mall office is?" "Oh sure," said the Lancome gal, "just exit the store and go past the fountain and make a left and you know where See's is? Go outside and -- " "Yeah, it's not there, anymore." Before I lost it, completely, I went back to the former mall office and called the number on the sign.

"I'm having the best time confusing her."

"Westfield Mall."

"Is this the office?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"It's complicated."

"I figured that out."

"Where are you right now?"

"I'm standing outside the mall office."

"They kicked us out. They're turning it into a restaurant."

"So mean."

"I know."

"Where'd they put you?"

"Across from the parking lot."

"I'm looking. I don't see you."

"Not the mall parking lot. The other mall parking lot."

"What other mall?"

"The strip mall. You know where Ross Dress For Less is?"

"Uh huh. Is that where you are?"

"No. You know where Sports Authority used to be?"

"Yes."

"But there's a Halloween Store there now?"

"Is that where you are?"

"No. We're on the other side."

"Other side of what?"

"The building."

"Wow." 

"Go behind the building. And that's where we are."

"Is there a sign that says Mall Office?"

"No. There's no sign and you won't be able to see through the mirrored windows, but trust me, that's where we are."

"Oy vey."

"When can we expect you?"

"Never-ever."