On The Fritz

What could be better, after a long day of schlepping, working out, dog duty and whatnot, to treat yourself to a nice, hot -- "Oh my god, oh my god, it's freezing, what the hell.... why isn't it getting hot? Come on, already, get hot. Get warm. Get it together, faucet. Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? Don't I deserve a nice, hot bath? Who died and made you king of my bath tub, my sudsy sanctuary, my shrine to -- " "What's all the yelling about?" "There's no @#$%'n hot water in here." "There was for me this morning." "Of course, there was." Fast forward a few minutes to: "It's broken." "The water heater?" "Yeah, it's broken." So, there's that.

Speaking of things on the fritz, the 12-year-old SJG Mobile is making creaky noises that alert me that something may or may not be wrong with its aging body. It's nice to have something in common with my car, don't you think? According to the mechanic, it's suspension-related, but not dangerous. Yet. I find that very reassuring. "I don't want to throw parts at it before we really know what it is," he said. An honest mechanic. How much do we love that? Despite the non-urgency, longtime hubby insisted we spend quality time with a pushy car salesman. "You're going to love this car," he said. "You're going to leave tonight in this car. Once you drive this car, there will be no other car for you." After driving the overpriced luxury hybrid, so environmentally correct, so sophisticated I'd have to get an advanced engineering degree to operate it, I'd made my decision.

"So," he said, "let's get you this car." "I need to tell you something." "Sure, sure." "I'm not in love with this car." "What? You said it drove like a dream." "You said that. I said, 'it's fine.'" "What's the problem? We'll fix it." "I hate the brakes." "There's nothing wrong with the brakes." "I feel bad about it, but I hate them. I should love them. But I hate them. I'll never get used to them." "Believe me, you'll get used to the brakes. My mother-in-law said the same thing. Four weeks later, she loved the brakes." "This car is not for me." "No problem. We'll put you in a different car. It doesn't have to be a hybrid. What would you like to see? We've got all night." "Actually, we need to get home." "Sure, sure, no problem. Tomorrow, you'll come back and get a car you love." Doubtful.