The SJG Lit Bit: It's Literally Bejeweled
(Sherman Oaks) The SJG called an early morning fress conference at her palatial estate, during which she served a spread of leftover Passover matzoh -- "Try a schmear of Nutella, it's to die for" -- stale macaroons and something called Gefilte Surprise, deemed "a little iffy" by the minyan of journalistic fressers -- and introduced a new product that's making her simultaneously kvell and wince. "Some people wear a Fitbit to count steps and calories burned. I wear a Lit Bit to count the number of times I say literally... ouch... in the course of one day. According to my pretty bejeweled Lit Bit, which goes with literally... double ouch... everything, yesterday, I committed 82 literal crimes. Ow ow ow. Sure, I should be alarmed by my extreme overuse of... that word, and yet, let's face it, I've... umm... what's a better word... actually stumbled onto something so brilliant, I can't wait to help the rest of the world Get Lit. Here's how it works. Every time you say... that word... you literally... oh eff me... get a strong electrical zetz you won't easily forget. If that's not linguistic modification at its finest, what is?" The SJG Lit Bit will sell for $300. "To sell it for less would be a shanda. Those are real rhinestones, you know." She ended the fress conference by offering each reporter a coupon for 10 percent off her Lit Bit, a doggy bag of "mushy but delish" Passover Matzoh Brei, and a heartfelt promise to reduce her use of... that overused word by "literally a lot." With that, she screamed in pain and self-medicated with leftover Manischewitz.
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