Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Dear DIVA Scholarship Applicant,
Congratulations on your decision to apply for our DIVA scholarship, following your recent bout of bronchitis. The DIVA Board of Directors heard it through the grapevine that you, the Short Jewish Gal, failed to milk your illness for all that it was worth. Rather than make endless demands for chicken soup, foot massages, violin concertos, hair extensions, makeup and good lighting, you chose to suffer alone on the sofa, sipping tea and watching "Julie and Julia" over and over till your eyes sealed shut. According to your husband, aka Hubby, Mr. "Just Back From Vegas," the worst that you got, during the course of your cough-centric sickness, was "a little edgy."
Even with those extra dosages of prednisone, the shlep to get a chest x-ray from that scary technician lady -- "Carol, do you work for the doctor, Carol?" "Do you work upstairs, Carol?" "Carol, breathe deep and hold it, Carol, let it out, Carol, you can leave now, Carol" -- and the on-going issues with the party boys next door, you managed to maintain your dignity. Diva and dignity don't belong in the same sentence.
However, we do give you props for wheezing when the police showed up at 2 a.m. Sunday to hear the noise complaint in person. Nice work there. But you could have easily taken it to the next level with the men in blue. You could have wept, collapsed on the ground, called for an ambulance, or done something Shakespearean to show your displeasure. Instead, you kvetched demurely, and went to bed. This is not diva behavior, missy. You have a lot to learn, but then, you know that, or you wouldn't be courting this coveted prize of $500, now would you? To apply for a DIVA scholarship, complete and mail the following, before someone more worthy gets there first:
A. Your DIVA application (original and four copies)
B. One letter of recommendation from a renowned diva with a large entourage
C. One letter of recommendation from a family member who finds you intolerable
D. A "Creative Picture of You" via audio tape, visual presentation, story or poem, essay
Please adhere to our guidelines or reinvent them in true diva style. It's up to you, bitch.
Yours in diva-ness,
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:54 AM