Saturday, August 27, 2011

Fast Food In Hell

Easier said than done
If they serve fast food in hell, something tells me Subway has a counter.  Ordering a sandwich at Subway is way too complicated for the delicate brain of the SJG.  Next time I attempt it, I will watch the "how-to-order-a-sandwich-at-Subway" video on YouTube.  I will practice at home.  I will hire professional actors to play the roles of the angry sandwich makers who hate my guts.  I will over-prepare. I will be ready.
At the mall yesterday, I was not up to the sandwich-ordering protocol.  I needed a full eight hours of sleep and a good attitude.  I had neither, hence, the near-disaster that unfolded.  Thank God the soon-to-depart college boy was there to intervene when the SJG got all fermisht and tried to do things out of sequence.  Major no-noThe steps are posted on the glass.  I tried to fast-forward from step 1 to step 3 before Step 2 was completed.  Or maybe I rudely bypassed 3 and went to 4.  Honestly, I don't know what the eff happened, exactly, but the Step 1 lady got pissed off and walked away with my sandwich before I could tell her "lettuce and olives." "Come back," I yelled.   "Not yet, Mom," Scotty told me.  "She's toasting it."  "So?"  "You have to follow the steps."  I guess all that lining up in kindergarten paid off.  "You can't tell the Step 1 person to do Step 2," he explained, patiently.  "The Step 2 person does veggies.  The Step 3 person does mustard and mayo and wraps it in the paper. Step 4 takes your money and fills your drink."  "Oh, for @#$%'s sake, when did it get so Soup Nazi?"  "It's always been this way."  "I hate it here."  "Go sit down.  I'll take it from here."  "I've raised you well, my son," I said, and went to find a table.  I'm still out there, looking.  If you see my son, tell him I'm over here by the exit sign.


  1. All this from the women who dances.
    1-2-3-4 dip 2-3-4.
    I guess you're more Twyla Tharp (Mr.Chow) than Arthur Murray (Subway).

  2. Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to be). When you order Subway you begin with A B C (when you sing you begin with Doh, Rey, Me)...

  3. I should've danced my way through the line. That would've helped. Dang. Next time.

  4. That's exactly why you do not go to Subway and you do go to the delicatessen! "A number 17." THEY have what YOU want and you expect them to be grumpy. Next time you'll wait.

  5. This is so true. At a deli, you know you're going to be treated with hostility.

  6. You found the humor in something we couldn't. Your experience there is one of many. We too have Subway stories to tell. But it would take too long to do it here. In the end... we were demoralized completely. But you somehow managed to expose Subways foibles. And for that we're grateful.