The Hysterical Society. What is it? The Hysterical Society is a committee of two: Scout's mother (Cheryl) and Dusty's mother (the SJG). Yes, yes, we know our maternal instincts toward our puppies are non-biological in nature, but thank you for reminding us that we didn't really birth our Labradors. Helpful. How can you become a member? Sorry, you can't. This is an exclusive arrangement, something you can't be part of, and it's eating you up inside. For that, we apologize. But maybe once I explain, you won't want to belong, and honestly, we can't blame you. The Hysterical Society wanders the immediate neighborhood -- most days we stay within a two-block radius, determined by Scout's "leg situation," Cheryl's various ailments and the SJG's low-tolerance for pollen, wind and unleashed wild beasts that occasionally charge at us out of nowhere and scare us to death. What is our purpose? I'm so glad you asked. We harshly critique our neighbors. We judge them for their strange landscaping choices. We compose imaginary notes we're too chicken to leave in their mail boxes, and recite our missives in bad English accents, a la Maggie Smith:
"We at the Hysterical Society have noticed that the so-called 'pretties' you told us you were going to plant in your front garden, have yet to appear, thereby tarnishing the entire block. We are ashamed to be your neighbors. Get on with it." Now and then, we actually find a house worthy of praise: "We at the Hysterical Society approve of your roses. Carry on." Just recently, we've expanded our commentary, automotively: "We at the Hysterical Society recommend a good washing of your crappy-ass vehicle. You bring shame to the neighborhood. Grab a hose and get on with it." Yesterday, we found one car worthy of our admiration: "We at the Hysterical Society approve of your eco-friendly, electric auto. Go green. Carry on."
When it comes to snark and snap judgments, the Hysterical Society knows no bounds. We plan to expand to other areas, including fashion (anyone over the age of five in Crocs will receive an immediate style demerit), behavioral quirks (our own mannerisms are exempt), parenting skills (ditto), opinions (what it comes down to is this: we're right and you're wrong)... oh, the list goes on and on. There's really no stopping us now. The Hysterical Society is watching you. Carry on.
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