Let Me Do The Suffering

"Hello.  You've reached Let Me Do The Suffering.  I'm out suffering on someone's behalf.  Leave a message after the beep and let me know how I can be your replacement martyr." Beep.
"Hi... um... this is Gert Shapiro from Reseda.  I heard about your wonderful service from my sister-in-law Sheila. A few years back, she was scheduled for a root canal. You stepped in and had the root canal for her, and she hasn't stopped raving about you since.  So I figured maybe I'd call and see if you'd be willing to take my colonoscopy for me. It's the prep that worries me. All that stuff they make you drink. Yech!  I'll pay you whatever you want. Call me back.  I'm begging you. (818) 555-1234.  Thanks!"

"Hello.  You've reached Let Me Do The Suffering.  After the last surgical snafu, a nasty hip replacement I subjected myself to on behalf of Millie Katz, a Zumba instructor from Tarzana,  I'm taking a few years off from all medical procedures. There's a limit to how much I'm willing to suffer, physically. Mentally speaking, I'm still open for business. So please, leave a message after the beep and let me know how I can suffer for you on a spiritual level." Beep.

"Hi... um... this is Chana from Sherman Oaks.  My son, the eldest, my first born, the one I had to threaten daily to get him to go to Hebrew school, is moving to San Francisco soon.  He's giving up a good job and a nice apartment for the sake of love. I'm happy for him. But I'm miserable, too.  I'd like to turn this misery over to you. I've been through enough this year.  Call me back, immediately, if not sooner. I'm willing to pay top dollar for your services.  (818) 345-6789. Thanks!"