The Speed of Guilt

(Studio City) On Thursday, the L.A.P.D. pulled over the Short Jewish Gal and gave her a nice ticket for an illegal guilt maneuver.  "Is it the hair, officer?  Is that why you had to sound your fancy siren and give me a heart attack?"  "No, ma'am."  "Just admit it, officer.  You don't like the hair." "Driver's license, please." "Sure, officer, in a minute.  You think I should've gone shorter, right?"  "License, ma'am."  "I went too short last time.  The sides stuck out.  It was a little too Bozo.  So I told my gal, 'Less Bozo, more chic.''  She started to weep.  I feel bad about that, I do, but sometimes, officer, you have to be honest with your people."  "Insurance."  "If it's not the hair that you think deserves an expensive fine just to help keep the city running, what is it, then?  Wait, don't tell me.  Is it the face?  Did I make the classic SJG Face at you when I drove by?  This wouldn't be the first time I got busted for that offense.  I once got sent to the Girl's VP in 7th grade for making the face in Girl's Glee.  Nothing gleeful going on in that class, believe me.  But hey, it's my face, officer.  Aren't I entitled to use it any way I want?"  "Registration."

"Coming right up, officer.  If it's not the hair and it's not the face, why are you pulling me over in my hour of need?  I'm feeling so needy, officer.  I need a break.  You have no idea what I've been through lately. It's been nothing but drama, drama, drama. This one's moving.  This one won't move off the sofa.  Oh, wait.  Is this a moving violation?  I'm pretty sure I was driving at the speed of guilt.  Slow and deliberate."  "You were talking on the cell phone, ma'am."  "Oh.  That."  "You need to be hands-free, ma'am."  "I don't know how to drive hands-free."  "You keep your hands on the wheel, ma'am.  You talk hands-free."  "I like to use my hands when I talk.  I'm very expressive."  "Blue tooth, ma'am."  "Great, now you're criticizing my teeth?  I know it's been a while since I've whitened, officer, but to go after me, dentally?  That's just mean.  How did your mother raise you, officer?"  "Sign here, ma'am."  "If I cry, would it help, officer?"  "It couldn't hurt, ma'am."