The Optimist Sees The Bagel...

The Pessimist Sees The Hole

Excerpts from the "Little Jewish Instruction Book," by Leonard Sorcher:

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

Who else could have invented the 50-minute hour?

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens around age 45.

WASPs leave and never say goodbye.

Jews say goodbye and never leave.

Israel is the land of milk and honey. 
Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a cruise?

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

Tsuris is a Jewish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.