Customer Kibitzer

I can't hear myself shop

"How ya doing?  How's the family?  How's hubby?"  "Everyone's fine." The salesman at Macy's is following me. I hide behind mannequins.  I duck under sales racks.  I can't ditch this guy.  "I've got tickets to see the Monkees next weekend at the Greek.  It's Carmageddon.  I don't care,  I'm going anyway.  I'll find a back way,  I'm not missing the Monkees. First album I ever bought.  'Meet the Monkees.'"  "Why are all the men's shorts so long?"  "The kids like 'em that way.  Did I tell you about my neck surgery?"  "No."

I try to lose him in DKNY.  "It went well, thank God. You know who it was hardest on?  You'll appreciate this, 'cause you're a mother.  It was harder on my mom than my wife."  "Oh, uh-huh." I bang into a display table.  "Hey, I'll let you shop.  I'll be right over there when you need me."  For two seconds, it's so quiet, I can hear myself shop.  And then, he's back. "So, you find everything okay?"  "Still shopping."  "You know, I'm no longer in the Polo department.  I've been with Polo 25 years, finally I told them, enough already.  I'm tired of Polo.  So I switched to Calvin Klein now, it's a better fit.  Either way, I can ring you up, no problem." "Great."

I trot past Tommy Bahama.  He runs to catch up.  "So, how's hubby and the kids?"  "They're fine."  "Good good.  Hey, you know who one of my oldest customers is?  Ann Margret.  What a nice lady.  I took my wife to see her in concert years ago.  But she made me so mad, I wrote her a long letter.  I was so upset, I said, Ann, you stopped your show for 15 minutes to talk about Gary Hart.  Remember Gary Hart?  He was running for re-election, and she went on and on about him."  "Huh." "You ready for me to ring those up?"  "Yep."  "Wonderful.  You got your coupons?"  I hand them to him. "I'm going to save you a bundle.  What I'll do is, ring everything up in small groups, that way you'll save more." "Terrific."  "I only do that for my favorite customers.  The long timers.  So, hubby's good?"  "Fantastic."

Another customer walks up to the register.  "I'll be right with you."  "Okay," the man says.  "I'm in hurry though.  I'm leaving for the Congo."  "Wow.  Check out Mr. Adventure.  The Congo?  Good for you." "My plane leaves in an hour."  "Okay if I stop and ring him up?  He's in a hurry."  "I don't give a @#$%." "Oh, you're in a hurry too?"  "I'd like to get out of here before the High Holidays."  "Got it.  So, you staying home for Carmageddon?"  I start to weep.  "I've got tickets to see the Monkees..."