Monday, January 14, 2013

I'd Like To Thank...

"First, I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."
... the Hollywood Foreign Press for giving me this well-deserved award for Best Home Viewer.  I'm so honored, so deeply touched.  I've been training for this my entire life.  While other kids were outside playing, breathing in fumes of gas that was still leaded, the SJG was taking intensive courses in hand-clapping, mock disappointment and head-scratching.  I learned to say, "Oh, no, he was robbed!" to no one but myself, for one day I sensed I'd be the only one watching the Golden Globes, that one day, I'd have a family of my own, a testoserone-driven bunch who'd rather watch basketball than a classy awards show where tipsy actors get up on stage and ramble.  While other kids went to movies and ice skating parties and sleepovers, I learned about wardrobe malfunctions.  A glamourous home viewer has to be ready at any moment for unforeseen catastrophe.  A loose thread on a well-worn pair of sweatpants can unravel an entire evening.  While other kids rode their 10-speed bikes through the neighborhood -- without helmets! -- the SJG's lowly 5-speed stayed parked in the garage, as I mastered the art of staying awake and emotionally-riveted during  long-winded Cecil B. DeMille awards that may move drunken audience members in the Grand Ballroom, but leave home viewers going, "WTF was THAT?" Oh, they're signaling me to wrap it up.  Hang on, bitches, this is my moment to shine and I'm going to soak up every moment.  In closing, let me just say... since I'm being confessional here, that watching the Golden Globes at home in my comfy slippers, is the highlight of my mundane life, and I plan to keep doing it for many years to come, so thank you, thank you one and all, from the bottom of my heart.  I couldn't have done it without myself.


  1. What? Not even one reference to coming out about being married to a man???

  2. Damn! That would've been a better way to close.