The Prophecy

Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Moishe, tell me when you will die!" 
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

Abe comes home one day and finds his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cries Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," says Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe calls his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor says something to Abe and with that, Abe begins laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asks Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis.' He said, 'too big a tuchas.’ "

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
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