SJG-TV Announces Fall Lineup

"Unlicensed": Sandy, a post-menopausal, down-on-her-luck, recently divorced, unlicensed interior decorator whose weight fluctuates as much as her moods, opens an unlicensed kugel dispensary in her soon-to-be foreclosed home. Faster than you can say, "I'd like seconds," a motley crew of unlicensed upholsterers arrives with the swatches, helping Sandy salvage what's left of her sad, pathetic life, not to mention, her worn-out furniture. (Mondays at 8:43 on SJG-TV)

"Unfriended": After serving a tough and tasteless brisket at Passover, Hannah wakes up to find her entire family has unfriended her on Facebook. Can she win them back with a better brisket by Hannukkah? Or is she better off without them? Hannah sets off on an odyssey of self-discovery, tracing her roots all the way back to Sheboygan, where her long-lost cousins try to milk every last drop of her inheritance. Does Hannah really need this aggravation? Will her real family ever re-friend her? (Tuesdays at 9:06 on SJG-TV)

"Unmoved": Freddy Shulstein, a stoned-faced, shredded cheese wiz, hasn't cried since birth. Nothing gets to him. Freddy Shulstein remains untouched by human emotion. What the @#$%'s wrong with Freddy? A deeply disturbing, highly illuminating, groundbreaking competition show featuring contestants from around the world who'll try anything, and we mean anything, to make Freddy weep. Winner gets $1million. Freddy gets bupkis. (Wednesday at 7:56 on SJG-TV)

"What's wrong with Freddy, Mommy?" "@#$% if I know."