How To Avoid An Awkward Thanksgiving

Awkward Situation: An unexpected guest arrives.
Solution: Ask for I.D., birth certificate, passport. Mention all the turkey has been distributed. Offer frozen dinner as substitute. Make interloper sit outside in the cold.

Awkward Situation: A guest has food allergies/dietary restrictions.
Solution: Direct him or her next door, where they keep kosher.

Awkward Situation: A limited amount of food.
Solution: Organize indoor version of "The Hunger Games." Anyone left standing gets to eat.

Awkward Situation: An unruly relative.
Solution: Confiscate alcohol. Immediately disinherit. Put in Shame Corner. Repeatedly scold for bad behavior. Deny dessert.

Awkward Situation: Late arrivals.
Solution: Lock the door. Shut the windows. Block all entrances and exits. Eat without them.

Awkward Situation: End of night stragglers.
Solution: Report them to the police.