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| Barking Seal: We have more in common than you'd think |
SJG: Okay, well, it's really embarrassing.
Host: Great. The more humiliating, the better.
SJG: My whole life, I've been known as a cougher.
Host: As in?
SJG: I have a world-famous cough. My cough has cleared out auditoriums. My cough once ruined a friend's oboe recital.
Host: You actually know someone who plays the oboe?
SJG: I did. Not any more. After my cough ruined her important recital, we hit a rough patch that's lasted 30 years.
Host: Is that your embarrassing moment?
SJG: No. This is me, working up to it, Jacob. I'm just trying to put it all in context.
Host. And we appreciate that, don't we, audience? But the show's only 30 minutes. and this segment is almost over. Hint hint.
SJG: Fine. So I was in 7th grade math class. I've never been good at math. But I've always been good at spotting cute boys. I had the pleasure of sitting behind one that year. He was so cute, I had to take a Valium before class. Kidding. Not really. I was a shy girl. But I had a huge crush on the cute boy.
Host: Tick, tick, tick.
SJG. I'd just come back from my annual bout of bronchitis, and as I sat there, behind the cute boy, I felt a cough coming on. I turned very religious at that moment. I started to pray. "Dear God, please don't let me cough. Please, please." But God was taking some "Me" time. He didn't pick up my prayer. I let out a single deep bark that came from the most remote region of Hell. I sounded possessed. The teacher looked at me. The class looked at me. The cute boy looked at me. The teacher started to laugh. "Was that you, Carol?" "Uh-huh." Out came another bark. This one sounded like an escaped seal. The entire class erupted in hysteria.
Host: Cut to the chase.
SJG: The cute boy looked at me, a look that said, "Our mutual crush has just been terminated. Good luck, getting another cute boy to notice you. Ever." The teacher said, "Carol, why don't you get a drink of water?" I barked in response. This one sounded like a pissed-off German Shepherd that hasn't been fed since Tu B'shevat. As I got up to get that fateful drink, my math book fell off the desk and onto the floor. Thud! More comic relief. I went to the back of the class, every eye on me, and took a quick sip, not nearly enough to quell my otherworldly coughing fit. I came back and sat down and prayed that God would strike me dead right then and there. But God was still out there on the golf course, ignoring me. I tried not to cough again. But I kept coughing and they kept laughing for the remainder of class.
Host: Your embarrassing moment was really a series of moments, wasn't it?
SJG: I guess so, Jacob. It still makes me cringe.
Host: Thanks for sharing, SJG. Here's a cough drop. We'll be back after this important commercial from the nice people at Formerly Flatulent.
Anyone else remember Sex Ed Class in junior high school? Thirty seconds into the "Birth of a Baby" film a guy threw up and a girl fainted onto the projector stand. I was the Boy Scout and AV kid that was totally paralyzed by the simultaneous interruption of the most important day of my life in school. I was worried about missing a sprocket or blowing out a bulb for days before the screening... but when the moment came to jump into action, I couldn't stop laughing long enough to help revive the swooned or re-start the movie. Miss Canon was not amused at my insensitivity and once again sent me to the principal's office. To this day, I don't know how that film ended but friends told me it was really grody and horrifying.
ReplyDeleteThis is your best story. Ever. Thankie for sharing. xo
ReplyDeleteHi again, Lisa, now I understand the email I received from you, and the context. This is a blog I wrote five years ago, hence my confusion. Shana Tova!
ReplyDelete