How To Calm Your Ass Down

Tortured by anxiety? Worried sick 24-7? Fretting your life away? Welcome to my world. But here's the good news, people. I've just developed a new de-stresser that will ease your issues like you wouldn't believe. It's called "The SJG Calm-Your-Ass-Down Technique."

Here's what you do, and it doesn't matter where. In the elevator or the checkout line at Gelson's, just follow these simple steps and you'll feel instantly tranquilized:

1. Place the tip of your tongue on the tip of your nose and keep it there for 88 counts.
2. Exhale completely through your pipik, making an otherworldly whooshing sound.
3. Cover your pipik with your yarmulke and inhale through your left earlobe to the slightly mental count of 43.
4. Hold your breath, drop to your tush and spin on the floor for a count of 72.
5. Exhale completely through your third eye, making the afore-mentioned creepy whooshing sound to a count of 32 and a half.
6. Repeat this exercise 291 more times, until a blanket of calm descends upon you, or the nice men in white coats come to take you away to the Funny Farm, where life is beautiful all day long.