True Confessions

Yesterday at dance class, after being called a "demanding Crapricorn" by someone who shall remain nameless (hint: I may have shoved her out the door and said, "Move! How can I admire my own reflection if you're standing in front of me?") I told the remaining dancers not to mess with me, or I will make up a year's worth of horoscopes that will forecast doom, gloom and crop failures. This led to a personal tale, oft-told in the blogosphere that revolves entirely around me, of how I made up the horoscopes for ’Teen Magazine. "What?!" cried a dancer. "Tell us more!" "I was going to till you rudely interrupted me."

I was just out of college, a humble editorial assistant. When I wasn’t walking the publisher’s dog, making coffee, sorting through mail and answering the phone, I was concocting the anonymous monthly horoscope column. They pawned it off on the absolute lowest gal on the editorial food chain. You could not get any lower than me. I was the consummate flunky in every sense of the word. Every month I consulted a pile of worn-out astrology books for inspiration. Say I read that Sagittarians must tame their restless energy and need for personal independence. ’Teen readers would get a dose of the following nonsense: “Good news! Success awaits you… as long as you don’t let that restless energy lead you astray. Stay focused and your smallest efforts will be rewarded!”

After awhile, I got pretty good at it. My horoscopes weren’t half-bad. Letters poured in praising my astonishing accuracy. One month, I even got it right for an entire class of fifth graders. That’s a lot of zodiac signs to tackle. I had hidden powers. Who knew? Once I left ’Teen and moved on to more exciting journalistic endeavors – writing for a bankrupt newspaper comes to mind – I sadly never rekindled my brief and shining career as Astrology Girl. Yet somehow, the experience has left me refreshingly bitter. I still read my horoscope, mainly to check out what kind of total kaka they come up with on my behalf. I plan to keep reading them till Jupiter aligns with Mars. Until then, I urge everyone to follow the stars, both planetary and mortal, and see where it takes you. Just remember you’ve worked hard for this moment. So enjoy it!