Knock On Wood

Oh, the indignities the SJG must endure on a daily, if not hourly, basis. What's that? You want a "for instance"? Fine: Every time I try to write "kina hora" in an email, or a blog, spell check rudely changes it to "mina hora." Spell check seems to know hora, which is a fun and aerobic Bar Mitzvah ritual, but not kina. It goes without saying that I resent this spelling intrusion on a deeply personally level. I've been re-written enough as it is -- I refer you to my entire career -- to tolerate the repo of my favorite Yiddish expression. At this stage, I'm so paranoid by the thoughtless seizure of intellectual property that I'm doubting my own knowledge of Yiddish. What if "mina hora" slipped past me like a phantom cutting in line at Gelson's? I could holler, "Hey, you Demon Yiddish Word, how dare you?" Or I could check with my go-to Yiddish maven, the one, the only Dr. Kasha Varniskes. "Kasha," I said in a frantic phone call, "is mina hora a thing, or a figment of my imagination? Please, Kasha, I beg you, enlighten me."

"Calm down, you," Dr. Varniskes said, "and I'll give you an answer. It may not be the one you want, but still, it's an answer. A mina hora is a little-known, not very useful phrase, the equivalent of half a kina hora. What I'm saying in layman's terms is that mina is kina split in two. How the powers of spell check got a hold of it, we'll never know. Some things are better left a mystery. Maybe they're too superstitious to go for the full kina, hence the substitution of mina. In the grand scheme of things, we'd rather have the kina in its totality to ward off the evil eye and all the tsuris that comes with. Whoever said less is more should have their keppy examined for potholes. Is the glass half empty or half full? More to the point, what kind of cheap-ass person offers half a glass of Vodka? Were you raised in a barn? Full is always better than half, especially when we're considering the holiest of Talmudic laws. The kina hora is sacred. 'Kina hora' is what Moses proclaimed before parting the Red Sea. 'I need a miracle. God willing, this trick works, kina hora, or biblically speaking, I'm screwed.' Torah-wise, the mina hora, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found. A mina hora doesn't do much for humanity, but it's better than bupkis. That said, whatever schmuck came up with spell check in the first place deserves a bad parking spot in Hell. All his teeth should fall out except one to make him suffer. I hope this clear things up, doll."

"As always, you've been a big help, Kasha," I said, "although some of your scholarly explanation puzzles me, I admit. I'm thinking mina is Yiddish for mini, and some bastard at Spell Check thinks I'm only worthy of a mini kini, not a full kina, which, in my opinion, is unacceptable. They should free a madman, and lock Mr. Spell Check up, instead."